Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Against a One-Size-Fits-All Solution

Five sheets? FIVE sheets of toilet paper? Who can get away with five sheets of toilet paper? And it's probably five sheets of that thin stiff stuff that's not suitable for such delicate areas.

Only a MAN could get away with five sheets--at the urinal. If he's only using five sheets after the other he might as well not use anything. Certainly if your diet is as full as ruffage as suggested, only many multiples of five sheets would come close to doing the job required.

My father used to complain, complain, complain about my mother's and my bathroom habits with regard to soft-paper product. He would lecture us about how we shouldn't need to use more than four sheets. Even when I was little I knew that was SO wrong!

For the curious, here is the proper way to wipe:
  1. Use ONLY thick, soft toilet paper (Cottonelle and Charmin preferred, Quilted Northern only if it's on-sale for 25 cents a roll, and NEVER Scott or a generic store brand).
  2. Roll out a length of toilet paper approximately from arm height to the floor (just as a reference--do not allow the toilet paper to touch the floor).
  3. Wad up the toilet paper very loosely. The size of the wad should be sufficient to cover the entire hand.
  4. Women--wipe only the front first. Never try to wipe the back by reaching underneath.
  5. Reach around the back and wipe.
  6. Check, fold, and repeat if necessary.
  7. Only ever fold once. If the paper is not mostly clean after this second attempt, start from the beginning again. If more than two wads of toilet paper are required, flush first before reaching for the third (highly important with today's low-water toilets).
This is how I taught my kids. I can only even post this now because I'm still sometimes in the midst of such mechanics. Can you tell I used to write a lot of procedures at my job?


There's an emergency feed button, and a manual feed roller lets the users pull
the roll around if the motor breaks down or the four D-size batteries run out.

That's even scarier--it runs on batteries. It better have as much redundancy as the space shuttle.

Kimberly-Clarke is wrong when they think that people will be satisfied with what any automatic toilet paper dispenser gives them. I often have to use two sheets of the automatic paper towels to actually dry my hands. I will have no hesitation to get a lot of toilet paper. So much more important.

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